Tonight I’m calling on my FILDI in a big way.
This morning, I was all ready with a somewhat tepid declaration of a project I’ve been waffling about. I’d worked through a thousand interruptions and, with no small amount of determination, written a post that was meant to be bold when I felt anything but. Then, with my mostly-decisive, semi-declarative post all written… my favorite little helper hit the delete button.
At first, it felt like a sign.
You see, I’ve had this project idea that’s been bumping around in my head for a few weeks now, and each time it knocks its way to the front, I think, No way. That’s crazy. Too ambitious. Too big. There’s no way you could do that. Better to make it smaller. Better to do it later.
I want to shrug it off, but it’s a sticky little bugger. It won’t leave me alone.
So I argue my case, but the she-gremlin in my head says, “Oh, Honey, when on earth would you find the time?” And I almost believe her, because as I’ve mentioned before, while I am really good at commitment and boldness in a lot of ways, with myself is where I tend to fall down. The past few weeks of considering this project could have been filled with the gearing-up that comes with a big goal, but instead it’s been filled with all sorts of obligation to everyone else’s stuff. So when the delete key came along to undo my determination, I could have easily stopped right there. I could have decided then and there that the speed bump was a wall, that the roadblock meant the journey was not meant to be. And I more or less spent the day doing just that.
Tonight, though, I called up my badassery.
Tonight I decided not to be stopped. Tonight I decided I’m going to be bold and do this crazy thing even if I’m not all geared up. I’m going to do the project that’s calling me, even if I’m not prepared. Even if we got the flu and a 3-day migraine and my son is suddenly moving to Sweden and we had the party with 150 people and there are two birthdays and a holiday and the two-year-old is really needy lately and the five-year-old never sleeps and there isn’t enough money in my bank account for supplies. I’m going to go bold even when it’s hard.
I’m going to go bold even when it seems ridiculous, even when I might fail. Instead of scaling back, I’m going to go bold and commit to my self and my creativity in a bigger way than I have ever done before.
I’m going to paint 90 canvases in 30 days.
That’s ninety. Canvases. In thirty days.
In my world, that’s insane.
I’ve thought all about the holes in this plan. I have lots of people, big and small, and they all need. I have limited resources, both time and money, and it’s all in my face. I have more deadlines and commitments and obligations than I can keep up with on any regular day – and this won’t be regular.
But I’m going to do it. Instead of a perfect set-up, I’m going to believe in a little bit of magic, in the expansion of resources and the ability of my life to adapt and grow.
I was going to be all on top of it and have supplies stockpiled and canvases prepped. I was going to have plenty of gesso and a new tube of cadmium yellow. I was going to brainstorm a list of ideas and have some backgrounds begun and have a fresh jar of ink and a fresh sketchbook and a new batch of pens. I was going to get the studio really, really clean.
I’m going to do it anyway. Instead of perfect preparation I’m going to make do and adapt and be open to the muse in the moment. I’m going to run in the middle and work it out and take the slow spots in stride and expect surprises.
Not least of all, I was going to write some really great posts and set it up all awesome-like. I was going to make a big launch and invite you all to join me. I was going to find sponsors and ad spaces and partners.
Still, I’m going to do it. Instead of great PR I’m going to come at it as me, a less-than-mega-blogger artist with a desire to grow my craft, my commitment, and my community, with an open invitation and a desire to connect with other artists who join me anywhere along the way.
I was going to be ready, but I’m not. Now I’m going to go bold anyway. I’m going to shut this laptop and go right now, tonight, and buy as many canvases as I have money for.
And then I am going to begin.
I am not going to give up on this particular dream, and I’m not going to spend any more time waiting for the right time or the right set-up. I am going to not wait one more day to be the bold force in my own life.
Yes, I am scared. I’m scared of failing, of blowing it, of not keeping up. I’m scared of sucking. I’m scared of becoming a bad mom or a bad wife or a bad friend/daughter/sister/teacher/cook. I’m a little scared of what my house will look like after thirty days.
But I’m also pretty excited. As someone who has never had even a junior high school art class, I am excited to see what I’ll learn. As someone who has always been “too busy” for full and steady commitment to my art, I am excited to see who emerges. And as someone who “always wanted to do that,” I am excited to just do it in a big, all-out, no-holds-barred kind of way.
I’m excited for this beginning.
What crazy-big move can you make toward your own growth this month? Join me! Let’s partner up and feed one another’s fire! Let’s go bold and move our mountains.